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I
my heart beating
materials are meek
broken head and angry body
muse of broken world
and friends that broke themselves
against the steel of
these worthless gods
i make my own
i have nothing actual
scattered hopes of greatness
fluttering over the pavement
which only listens to romance
and so drowns
i’ve heard it
asked
what drugs inspire verse
and i could tell you
but i’d lie because
i don’t know anymore
and i don’t care but i do
because without song i’m melting
and falling down the stairs
but these words catch me
while i cry
over motion
and i’ll tell
what i heard
it was a sermon on dying
that there was something to kill
with a pill or a job
or maybe a marvel of a race
that would lead to a winning laugh
and i could look down
at last
but i’ve heard
other voices
out on the farm
away in the trees
in the middle of decadence
cities of demons scarring boys
in strange rubber suits
jumping on dragged through gutters love
they thought was a maiden
but no more than a body
i create my own
environment
i didn’t choose a street
but heard a noise i’m working
up to the moment of a blink
that took ages to open
nothing might have borrowed
that silence for the stars
but i picked up a pen with lips
and doodled on a marsh
i found flooded with beer
of dangling aspiration
i made a circle
went back to myself through the forest
carrying candles
so we could watch together
so now i’m
caught
explaining to myself the news
that i hoped to publish on the lawn
for the flies to land on
but instead i just sat
and took it all in
like nothing but rocks
growing moss in the silence
that was how i
knew
keeping beat to my breathing
with my red soul fleeting
i had to hear
in order to be
so out from the sticks
i hummed a tune
i hummed a poem
long gasp of the dead
and the dying
sounding like marijuana butterflies
as simple as hands
that worked like my father
collecting sand grain by grain
and i watched well enough
to know that if i could choose my rhythm
it would sound more like me
so tap tap keep
on going
no one’s going to cheer
the birch trees are swaying
before the long fall
into the marsh
the words stream
tap tap i’ve been listening
beep bop i was hoping
i could pull you all out
by a loud lull-a-by
but maybe i should have taken a course in guns
taken my mouth with dumb
doses of ketamine distance
and calling out a monkey
lying by a stump
a log cut from the sky
left hanging to fall
for when my back hit dirt
down in the dirt i fall
bang bang the
noise
all through like wind
like pain i collected
in the halls of erudition
when i held up
my pants they were falling
so for you i
saved this shot
from this cracked skull
milky in its crystal empathy
for the dagger of youth
that never had a handle
i pick myself up
again
where did this energy
come from a wiry prison
or a guard in his chains
or my vision through this tank
of a system where the swimming stank
before it was even poured
it’s not humanity but these gods
of material they’ve hired
us to make out of time
that was floating like beauty
before the stars failed to give
anything but creation
where we make our own history
history without walls
on while we scream
again and again
the war is over
we’re fighting for our lives
finally again
forever more
demons of industry patriarchy
dead forests of humanity
that dreamed in the rain
that’s possibility holding
our reins we strapped into
when tragedy came
up now
up now the heavens
are ours now up
up now with fists for halos
up now i began with a song
up now i’ve hummed in my sleep
up now i spat on the floor
the distance descending
i reached once twice thrice
before reaching down and around
up now goddesses of dreaming humour
up now dragons covered in mirrors
up now through blankets
resting like sheep
up now we dance
i am more than
my mind
my scarred sac of sound
friends i whisper so
you may hear the slight tremor
that caught me at birth
the tremor i rose to
and fell to at first
listen like angels
searching for a source
listen not knowing
i am ears both wide open
i am the beat of my heart
hear who we are
beats of our hearts
beat why i wrote up
now that’s more than just listen
to loudness through halls
covered in cash dancing
to its own tune
O listen thump thump
tic toc up now up
there’s more than me
i hear the sea breaking
against the crowd we gathered
for gathering watching
and up they rose to hearts not glee
listen mongrels of sympathy
bullets soaring before masters fall
story i can’t tell you we may all fall
i go back to sleep listening
to my raging heart call
itself into the moon
of course i
guess
guess in the stream
feet bleeding losses
we suffered alone
lamenting the throne
bleeding like truth
that meant nothing i’ve known
we’re off again step
i might fall apart again tap
i might die a burglar of children
stomp
why i hope why i
dream why i care
the streets empty my scare
out up now out
the time is ripe
out up now out
fight out of my fight
II
streamers of
damp emotion
hit the ground running
no one to speak to
hit the ground running
away
romance fills
craters
of ice in the pavement
holding hands upwards
me on the pavement
dreaming seagulls
flying through
grey mist
over tattered brush & swamps
past city melting itself
away from my reason
i called out hello
echoes like
raindrops
splattered on my ears
listening to trains talking
with the horizon
get up and went
out
gave out my get up
laughing away promise
and trees swaying
while the wind breaks away
the stars from my gaze
out of a crack
weeds ascending
i watch and i feel
as i depart
into the distance
humming wonder
III
i should be
sleeping
i should be swallowing white
lilly sleep in a capsule
of dreaming relinquished
my heart beating
stronger now
there is a whole world bigger than
the sky grey out the window
moisture clinging
to my vision aspirations
clammy incense
speaking
i paced the
halls
of a ward in the stars
rising by might
of patients despite
all the shocks drinks and cold
disquiet
i’d like her to
whisper up now
in my listening movements
i’d give back the morning
to all of you heroes
warriors of night time
mothers in baskets
waiting for me
to carry them back
to themselves
everyone i’ve met a warrior
fallen or succeeding
onward or mission fleeting
hoping crystal eyes
empty death surprise
and then the angels
mad to the teeth
clearer than raindrops
on this white sheet
i lie on my head
a halo for seeing
distance completing
a poet who died
last year i wasn’t sleeping
while i paced the halls
thinking hang-gliders from mars
would save me
i take your hand
shut up we’re going now
you take my hand we’re gliding going now
this part of the world is breathing
this part of the mind is breathing me down
to the final note before dying
no one’s dying but me
i’m not dying you see
i’m just whiling away
'til i do
July
10 &
11, 2004
Göteborg, Sweden
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